on unemployment.

Today marks the two weeks and a weekend since I was told I’d learn in two weeks about my employment status.  I reminded my potential-future-employer via email how important this distant promise of future paychecks can be for the unemployed.  It is peach season and while the white ones are so delicious, they are at least a dollar more per pound.  If I know I have a job by next month, it is an acceptable expense.  If not, every dollar counts.  What am I to do?

Circumstances at the office have conspired against me, apparently.  We have an appointment to talk on Wednesday but he doesn’t promise an answer before the end of the week.  He suggested a farmer’s market for at least supporting local growers when I splurge on produce.

I occupy my days with boredom, mentally rehearsing how I will react to whatever the outcome is, and philosophically pondering the word “should.”  As in, “What should I do with my days when I have no income, and therefore no value as a human being, and have already detectably depleted my savings?”  Should I or should I not buy vodka of a higher grade than Vlad for the vodka tonics that I so enjoy (with limes from a farmer’s market)?  Are tables from IKEA in my bedroom necessity items, or should I live on the floor?  Should I sleep 18 hours a day and eat only ramen noodles and head lettuce because that’s the least expensive lifestyle I can think of?

As you can imagine, I’m a joy to live with at the moment.



  1. I would personally say go with the vodka, but in order to do that you are going to have to subsist on only ramen and ice berg for a while…perhaps throw in the onion (they are the most socialist of vegetables but that’s another story altogether) every once in a blue moon.

    The upside is that on your next job interview you will have that extra desperate look, something employers are always looking for. Just remember to use plenty of mouth wash to beat down the vodka smell.

    ps. I also here excessive drinking of hard liquor is the new diet fad of the stars.

  2. My current fad diet is dental pain. Most fattening snacks that I enjoy to excess are crunchy. Pain is a fast teacher: “So you think that a late night binge on chips and salsa might be tasty, hm? –Oh, yeah, see, now how does that feel? Good? No? What have we learned, here? That’s right: Less food, less pain.”

  3. Well pain is a good way to stop you from eating most unhealthy things…and well healthy things too. But you can’t achieve the gaunt and sickly look quickly with out introducing some sort of poison into your system. Alcohol seems to do the trick and doesn’t have the illegal down side of say cocaine. Nothing ruines your attempts at being sheik like doing a little hard time in the joint. Despite the paris hilton experience.

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